Well, yes, I suppose it is. Another eye of quiet in the tumult. A bit more of Center, like the rituals, and the other things that are becoming habit. Yes, Pappa, I am careful not to hurt the Prince during our morning sparring sessions. A frightening thing is that I could.
I have not seen Selm save at a distance, since my return. I do not doubt he has seen me. I also do not doubt that he has become aware of some of the things I have learned during my time away. (Some, but not all. I have been careful not to display all that I know, even to the Prince.) Does he wonder why I have not sought him out to continue our lessons?
Perhaps. Perhaps not.
He left one of his masks in my room today. It's a beautiful one: all polished silver, with deceptively delicate filigree edges. It fits surprisingly well. Not as well as if it were made for me in a style he favors, but, well enough: his nose is broader than mine, but our cheekbones and eye sockets line up reasonably closely.
Yes, I suppose that is an odd thing for me to observe, but I doubt it's odder than my wearing the damned thing to bed. It was staring at me from the dresser, you see, and to be honest, I did not relish the idea of opening my eyes in the middle of the night and finding his eyes filling it.
Benedict is in residence.
I thought I had gotten too old for this nonsense. Yes, I know I rambled on at length when I was in Las Vegas, just because his name was mentioned at dinner, but that was bloody well different from this, and yes, I think Sybil suspects something after the cock-up at lunch today, but I just couldn't ... the shields had to go up and they had to go up hard because --
I suggested some guard re-rotations for tonight and the next few nights. I doubt Finndo will have me going out to the city for a time after yesterday afternoon's business, but if he does, I'll suggest to Sybil that she accompany Alyra everywhere she goes, if she can. I'm sure Sybil will leap at the opportunity to get out of her regular court duties, but, just in case ... right. If Alyra's left alone here, and I have not been sent elsewhere, I'll be keeping watch on her door myself.
Shields. Right. Duties. I retreated into them. No great loss. Things got done. Things will continue to get done. I can feel the power quivering under my skin, waiting to be exercised. Or exorcised, depending upon your point of view.
An exorcism could be a very bad thing right now. Because, once again, Selm's suggested that it would be through him or no one -- and I am not yet at the point where I will ask your permission to marry him. A tumble at Benedict's wedding would have been one thing. Now, it would be quite another. If he insists that he is the only man for me, then, by the Lady, I will be the only woman for him.
Not that I care. Not that I should care. Not that there's a damned thing there other than physical attraction, intellectual stimulation and potential danger and...
Let's run it against the list, shall we?
Would I kill for Selm? Likely.
Would I die for Selm? Not certain. Perhaps. It would depend upon the situation.
Would I destroy Selm's kingdom for him? Not applicable. Selm doesn't have a kingdom.
Would I be faithful and true and all that good rot? Of course. I am always faithful and true and all that good rot until death do us...
Shit.
According to the list, I'm married to Benedict. Not that I've destroyed his kingdom. Not that he's asked me to destroy his kingdom. Not that I've slit Alyra's throat for sleeping with my hus -- it wasn't her fault she didn't know she had no idea.
It is late. I am tired. I will burn this page and go sleep the sleep of the righteous and the just or some similar crap and maybe just maybe Selm won't wake me up in the middle of the night by having mistaken me for one of those married women he chases ... but, you know, by some strange definition of the term, I am a married ... fuck.
Sometimes I do not like myself very much.